Just for fun: If DL had directed "Blue Hawaii"

[Black Rose]

I wrote this up for another site about a year ago, and I just reread it and was entirely amused. I hope you all are too.

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A pretty blonde with a bouffant shoots an unseen someone twice. After shooting the person, she breaks down, screaming and crying. She falls in a heap on the floor, cradling the gun. The whole scene is shot in a bright white light, and the only sound is that sort of underwater sound you get in a swimming pool.

Elvis is going down an escalator in an airport. A big, stylized sign, reminiscent of 50's travel posters, welcomes him to Honolulu. All the luggage comes out of a tunnel. Elvis retrieves his small suitcase, and the scene ends with an extended shot of the luggage coming out, going around the carousel, and going back into a tunnel. One particular suitcase seems to be the focus of the shot, and the scene fades out with the blue suitcase retreating into the tunnel. The mechanical sound of the luggage carousel and the sounds of women's heels clacking dominate the soundtrack.

A seedy motel, daylight. Elvis is checking into the motel. The Indian clerk asks how long he's staying, and Elvis says he's staying for a week. As Elvis walks away, the clerk gives him an odd look. Elvis uses the key card to get into his room. The first thing we see in the room a lamp shaped like a hula girl. Once in the room, he takes all of the clothes out of his suitcase and puts them away, hanging his shirts carefully. All of his shirts are very, very similar Hawaiian shirts. They all look brand new. He takes a shower, and while he's in the shower, the camera focuses on him washing his face very carefully, followed by the shot of the water running down onto the floor of the bathtub, past a horrific rusty stain. The sounds of the shower fade in and out with the sounds of a radio in an adjacent room. The music is a sad, slow Mexican ballad.

Much later in the evening, it's dark and Elvis goes down to the beach. He's wearing a clean, pressed Hawaiian shirt, and khaki slacks. There's a party at the beach, and it's very crowded. The only light is flickering bonfires and tiki torches. The camera lurches drunkenly towards the bonfires and torches. Loud, chaotic music with a fast beat and lots of trumpets is playing. All the other men are dirty and unshaven, and all the women are beautiful, but hard and greedy looking. Almost everyone is either smoking a cigarette or pot. The crowd parts and a beautiful woman with long, stringy blonde hair is standing there. She looks strung out. She's wearing a tiny bikini, and she has almost no breasts. She runs her hand slowly down her smooth, deeply tanned torso, stopping when she gets to her crotch. The implication is clear. A man steps out of the crowd and moves towards Elvis. He gestures at the woman, and says to Elvis "You like what you see?" Elvis doesn't respond.

Elvis goes back to his motel room. It's dark. He turns on the light, and there's a naked woman in his bed. She's beautiful, with white skin, raven black hair, and large breasts. He asks "Who are you?" and she responds "I had nowhere else to go!" He accepts this, and slowly gets ready for bed, putting on blue flannel pajamas, and brushing his teeth in the bathroom. A tiny window above the shower is open, much too small for her to have come in through. The dirty rose-colored curtains blow slightly in the wind. Once in bed, she reaches for him, but he turns away. She looks totally crushed. She sneaks into the bathroom and sobs silently. The fluorescent light on the ceiling flickers several times and goes out.

The next day, Elvis is standing in a bank. He's talking to the teller, a middle-aged, slim, black woman. He asks about a safety deposit box, and gives the teller a key. The teller walks into the back, and Elvis looks around the bank in a bored manner. The teller asks him to follow her, and he does. Women's heels are the only sound, other than the dialogue between Elvis and the teller.

Perfect, curling waves are breaking out in a perfect blue ocean. The camera is looking out towards the water, so no land is visible. The camera slowly sinks, and the sound goes from crashing waves to that same swimming-pool sound.

That evening, he goes back to the party on the beach. It's almost identical to the previous night. Elvis moves forward through the crowd, but this time, the crowd parts to show the blonde with the bouffant from the opening shot. She's wearing a tight, short-sleeved pink sweater, and long, full skirt with a crinoline. They see each other, they're lit with a white light, and the music changes to "I Can't Help Falling in Love With You." They move towards each other, and give each other broad smiles. For a second, the spotlight brightens to the intensity of the opening shot, and we see her sobbing and holding the gun. Then the spotlight fades back to normal. Her eyes widen and her smile gets bigger. She says her name is Betty. They smile. They're in love. He asks if he can see her again, and she says yes. As Elvis leaves the beach party, in a shadowy corner he sees the strung-out blonde from the night before performing oral sex on a man with long, stringy blonde hair. The man grins at Elvis, and he's missing several teeth.

Again, Elvis goes back to his room to find the dark-haired woman. She's still naked. He asks her what her name is and she says "Veronica, my name is Veronica." She gives her head an affected toss. She looks like she's not telling the truth. Again, she's shown in the bathroom crying.

The waves are shown again. An Iiwi flits through the trees. The camera zooms in on the bird's eye. This shot is oddly grainy compared with the rest of the film.

Elvis and Betty are in a diner. They're both drinking milkshakes with long straws. They look very happy. Betty asks Elvis why he came to Honolulu, and Elvis replies that someone died. She looks sad for a minute, then brightens and says "Well, I'm glad you came!" He says "I'm glad too!" They hold hands. Betty asks if he would like to come over for dinner. Elvis says he would like that very much. Again, "I Can't Help Falling in Love With You" is heard.

The same evening, Elvis knocks on the door of a house. He's looking exceptionally clean-cut in a starched white shirt and tie. Betty's parents open the door. Betty's dad is tall and tan. He's wearing an argyle sweater. Betty's mom is dressed in a short-sleeved white blouse with a ruffled collar, a long skirt with a crinoline, and an apron. She's wearing pearls. She has a strangely hurt expression. They all sit down at the table. Betty serves them all. They're all drinking milk. Betty's dad asks Elvis what his father does for a living. Elvis responds that his dad manages a plant. Betty's dad smiles and nods approvingly.

After dinner, Elvis and Betty go into the den. The den's got wood paneling and a rock fireplace, and looks just like Mrs. Robinson's den in "The Graduate." There's an odd, strangely blocky red lamp in the corner. Elvis stares at the lamp, reminded of something. When he turns around, Betty is standing there naked. He moves towards her, embracing her passionately. Betty's father is shown leering at them through some wooden blinds from another room in the house. He clearly loves watching them together.

After leaving Betty's house, Elvis goes back to the beach. He thinks he sees the strung-out blonde, but he realizes it's another girl.

Elvis goes back to the motel, and Veronica is there. He doesn't say anything to her. She cries in the bathroom some more.

Waves. The Iiwi.

Betty and Elvis are on a picnic together. They're on a bluff overlooking the ocean. They've got a blanket spread out, and they're drinking cokes out of a bottle. Betty is a sweet, innocent girl again. No mention is made of the previous evening.

Elvis goes back to the party on the beach. He sees Betty talking to a group of rough-looking men. When Betty sees him, she moves towards him, blocking his view of the men. She's half-hidden in the darkness. He asks "What are you doing here?" She steps into the light, and he sees she's been crying. She's desperate, and wild eyed. He says "Come home with me. Come back to my hotel." Then he grabs her and holds her pressed against him.

They go back to his hotel, and it's a totally different room. This room is paneled in rich wood, and there are red drapes covering the window. This room is much nicer, and Veronica is nowhere to be seen. The red lamp from Betty's parents' den is on the bedside table. They get in bed and start to make love in slow motion. She's crying, and he kisses away her tears. The under water sound is heard, and the light turns into a bright spotlight.

The next morning, Betty takes a shower, and the water is shown dripping down onto the shower floor. It's a nice tile now. Slow music is playing, with lots of violins. Meanwhile, Elvis is packing. He opens the closet door, and there is nary a Hawaiian shirt to be seen. Betty comes out of the bathroom wearing a short jean skirt over a tight black bodysuit. Her hair is straight and shoulder-length with bangs and streaks. They smile at each other.

They're back at the airport, and they're getting on a plane together! They take their seats, and smile some more. They're very much in love. She pats her stomach, implying she's pregnant. Elvis looks at her proudly.

The closing shot is almost the same as the opening shot. Betty, with the bouffant, is screaming and crying. She falls in a heap on the floor, cradling the gun. White light, swimming pool sound.

Credits.